Police release initial sketches of longhaired Christian rapist currently at large. News at 11.

Jesus.  With You Always.

Females are Clueless About Metal, Vol. 2.

Ad Baculum (aka Whereabouts of: The original Mystifier vocalist)

Large amounts of Hyoscyamus Niger and Seven Churches are a winning combination.

Ad Baculum - Blackness Doctrine 2011

I saw this CD being touted as ex-Mystifier when browsing through a distro list; that immediately piqued my interest so I went ahead and bought it--sure enough, 20 years after Wicca, Meugninuosoan has resurfaced in Ad Baculum handling all guitarwork and vocals.

There's no real semblance to old Mystifier, and even the vocals are unrecognizable compared to those on Wicca--a heavy accent is more apparent here and they remind me a bit of a less evil/tormented version of the vocal style from the first Necrodeath LP.  They're also pitch-shifted in spots to give a more demonic effect.

Musically this is no-frills, fast-tempoed black metal of the mid-late '90s style.  There are no attempts to be lo-fi, bestial, old-school, overly blasting, or overtly Scandinavian.  There are no detrimental factors here, but I found nothing to get terribly excited about, either.  I was initially optimistic about the mid-paced intro to "Templarian Kingdom of Terror" and was hoping for some old Greek BM worship, but it just segued into the same stuff that's on the rest of the album.

Am I biased due to this man's musical pedigree?  Undoubtedly.  But face it, even for its generic-ness, this far exceeds what could be reasonably expected after such a long passage of time.  The musicianship is decent enough for better things, though, so let's not dwell in mediocrity.  Assuming Ad Baculum is still active, why not slow down and emulate old Varathron and/or pre-Göetia Mystifier?

Whereabouts of: That Dude from the Judas Priest Documentary

Yeah, that guy from the Judas Priest documentary.  You know the one, right?

No, no, not that guy.  He's dead.

Yeah!  LEATHERCAP AND PERILOUS NATIONS SHIRT.  HELLYES!

Now, before going further, for those of you unfamiliar with it, I heartily recommend the excellent Dream Deceivers: The Story Behind James Vance vs. Judas Priest documentary (alternate title: Dream Deceivers: How Drugs and an Overbearing Religious Mother Can Cause You to Live Out the Rest of Your Miserable Life with a Fried Egg and/or Melted Kraft Single Slice Draped over the Chasm in What's Left of the Forehead on Your Deformed Face).

Yes, and where are Spooky Tooth in all of this?

The documentary, about Priest's subliminal message trial, includes some footage of local youths speaking about the trial and on growing up in dysfunctional households or with less-than-optimal lifestyles.  While this stuff is ultimately just a marginal part of the documentary, early on we see a fellow who races over for a Halford photo op and sings "Better By You, Better Than Me" badly in his car, and he gets a fair share of attention--one Erich Granzen.  So what happens after you've been in a group home and recited some of the lyrics to "Suicidal Failure" on public television?  Let's find out.

 He seems happy with his lot in life.  More power to him.

Females are Clueless About Metal, Vol. 1.

If you don't get it, start reciting the titles of Sepultura releases in broken English.

From the second issue of Ballbuster* magazine.  Let's see who's responsible for such excellence in music journalism:

"I'm deluded enough to think being a contributor to a low quality magazine deserves a trip to Glamor Shots."

No surprise there.

*Below-average quality 'zine from the mid '90s that tried to cover a too-wide spectrum of rock and metal.  Chris Forbes was one of their BEST contributing reviewers which should immediately raise a warning flag.  Other less-than-shitty contributors include Keith Mensen of Mystic Force and Wayne Klinger from Half Speed fanzine.  Especially funny were try-hard "ball" puns stated throughout the issues ("band XYZ** has balls," "band XYZ is really on the ball, "ball one"--you get the picture) and the pictures of band members holding up copies of Ballbuster as if that aided credibility.  A solo-era Joey Belladonna clutching your publication is a rousing endorsement, no doubt about it.

**Out of respect for Nasty Savage, and by extension, the pornographic industry, XYZ will be used in lieu of XXX to refer to a generic, nonspecified band here.

Look At This Fucking Cover! Check Out These Wicked Song Titles!

Sounds of Death wasn't my favorite 'zine by any means, but I liked it well enough. With the exception of Metal Forces, which will always be in an untouchable class by itself, SOD was probably the best of the larger, professional metal magazines done in English.  The major reason is that it was a more cohesive read (most of the time), because David Horn didn't rely on a staff of contributing writers with varying skills and tastes.  It wasn't perfect by any means, though--lots of formulaic interviews, one of the worst review rating systems of all time due to the overwhelmingly positive skew (what, do you get 6-7 skulls just for submitting something?), and Horn's love of using cliched similes and metaphors in reviews.

Here's a Virus review out of the "From the Vault" section of issue #7--I think this is the best piece from the entire SOD run.  The first three lines perfectly capture the days of blindly buying albums based on the artwork and outer layout alone.  Whether you want to admit it or not, cool aesthetics can do a lot for an otherwise mediocre band.  IT'S THE CAMPY CHARM OF METAL.

The "From the Vault" features may seem like no big deal at a time when the depths of metal obscurity are constantly excavated for reissues, reviews, and downloads, but seeing Energetic Krusher and Living Death mentioned in the mid-'90s--in a US publication with decent circulation, no less--was very satisfying.

Because There's No Shame in Reusing a Good Idea, Vol. 1.

Circa 1981.

Circa 1986.